you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
