sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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