new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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