On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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