yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i love accidental penises.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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