Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
