what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dick very happy bro
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
