Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
