How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
