Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
