Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think my vagina is haunted
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
