Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
