We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Acid is not a monday night drug
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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