It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
