I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
