there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
