I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
