Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
