either way he was missing a nipple.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
