MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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