Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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