so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
