True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
meet me or not, i'm out of control
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
