the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The struggles of a small town man whore
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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