I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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