Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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