an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
