Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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