apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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