a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
