miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can I color on your dick again?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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