Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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