He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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