He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
