I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
But theres a keg here and me gusta
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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