I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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