barbara walters just said penis...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
