thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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