now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
