Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
