She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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