i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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