felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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