My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
