Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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