my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
time to smoke my breakfast
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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