Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You were trust falling into bushes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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