i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
