she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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