# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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