wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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