mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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