The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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