we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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