I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
