I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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