went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
