This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
