I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
