umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
