i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
